Tow truck guy: the seat belt buckle lays flat on the floor.
[notices I've already found it]
Tow truck guy: wow, you're the first one who's ever found it.
Me: well, that's because I was in a tow truck less than a week ago.
That's right, people, I'm reliving my nightmare. It's so hard to shake off the feeling that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and everything is going to be normal and this will all be just a dream. I've been known to express the opinion that using cliches should be punishable by hanging, but I'm going to make myself this one exception because that's exactly how I'm feeling right now.
Victims of rape and extreme violence describe how, after a point, they feel disassociated from their body, aren't in pain any more, and feel like someone observing the whole thing from a distance. It's not the same thing, but I know the feeling of things getting so bad you just can't care anymore. So I'm going to shrug it off and do what I like to do -- write funny shit. Besides, no one likes it when someone else is bitching.
An hour ago I did what anyone in my situation would do, order a sundae to try to feel better. This being America, it was naturally the size of the average person's head. The sort of thing where you need scientific notation to express the calorie content. I guess you could call it "heart-stoppin' good." I'd like to see one of these yummy-dessert chains use that as their advertising tagline.
Wait, did I say I did what anyone in my situation would do? I meant, what any non-lactose-intolerant person would do. Uh oh. You know where this is going, don't you? I remembered to take my lactase pills, but like I said the damn thing was so frickin' ginormous the appropriate dosage would probably have been the whole bottle. I took three.
I'll know in a few hours if it was enough. Actually, I won't - I'll probably just explode in my sleep. Since I'm brown, they're going to conclude I'm a suicide bomber. So if you see something in google news about a terrorist attack in Albuquerque, New Mexico, you'll know what that is.
Moving on, I've spent the last three nights at three different America's Best Value Inns in three different states. This is no coincidence: I think these guys have got something going with the whole "Best Value" thing. Considering they have free Internet, cable/HBO and breakfast in most locations, their prices are absurdly low.
This particular one seems to be using a 14.4 kbps modem for the entire place though. Not that I care. Of more concern to me is the fact that the manager was Vietnamese and not Indian. This is the second time this has happened in the last couple dozen times I've stayed at cheap motels. Indian people, we must band together and stop this. This is an affront to our entire community! What's next, non-Indian suburban doctors? Those damn foreigners are taking our jobs!!
Anyway, the other great thing about these motels is how quickly you can load and unload the junk in your trunk, which is very useful when you're doing a long drive. Here's how you do it: park your car right outside your room (which is on the first floor, because there's only one floor.) Make sure your car's butt faces the door. If you now stand in the corridor, you can pick up an item from the trunk, pivot on one foot, and deposit the item into your room in one fluid motion. This way, you can empty an entire trunk with 15-20 items in less than a minute!
Despite all the levity, there's really a thin line keeping me clear of insanity. Your kind thoughts in the comments will help.